Undone’s Blog

I’m a loner.  I spend a lot of time alone, just doing my thing.  I live with my son and his girlfriend, but they sleep a lot when I’m awake.  I love to read (alone), play computer games (alone), watch my favorite TV shows (alone), play solitaire (alone).

I remember the days when I had some really close  friends and spent a lot of time with them.  I remember the days when I had a man in my life and spent a lot of time with him.  I remember (not too clearly) when I had a lot of drinking buddies.  Of course, I found out when I quit drinking that most of them were not real friends. 

I’ve had a couple of dreams lately that involved a boyfriend.  When I woke up, I felt lonely.

I have a lot of people in my life, but since moving to Florida almost three years ago, have not made a lot of friends.  There is a woman I work with and spend some time together, but she has a REAL life, so we don’t get together that often.

When I was in Texas, my best friend was Diana.  We lived next door to each other.  She was (and still is) a wonderful person, and we had some great times together.  In Mississippi, I had Dawn, and we still keep in touch, too.  We also had some great times together.  In Connecticut, I had Diane and my sister-in-law Mary-Jane.

I miss those friends, the time we spent together, the laughs we shared and the closeness. 

Most of the time, I am OK with being alone, but sometimes, I feel lonely.  That’s a terrible feeling, I think.  I mean, I’ve been thinking about going back to AA, partly because I am a recovering alcoholic, but also partly for the human contact.  Is that sad or what?  Is that desperate or not?

Is my life sad?  Is my life desparate?  I hate to think so, but I’m leaning that way.  And that makes me even more sad.

Just read my partner in crime’s post on forgiveness.  I can kind of relate to the lion.  Sometimes I just want to hurt somebody and sit there and gloat.  But, over the years, I’ve realized that is not the kind of person I want to be.  Oh yeah, I’ve hurt people in my life, and I probably will do it again.  I hope I will not do it on purpose.  As my son once pointed out to me, it’s easier  not to say something than to have to apologize for it later.  This was, of course, after I had said something to him without thinking first.  He really made me think about the kind of person I want to be.  I decided I don’t want to be a person who has to apologize for my words or  actions.

I’ve had occasion to forgive others.  The thing about it is, though, that if I didn’t have expectations about people, I wouldn’t have to forgive them, would I? 

Recently, I asked somebody to forgive me.  He did, but said our relationship would probably never be the same.  However, I wouldn’t have had to ask him to forgive me if he didn’t have expectations about me, right?  

I read somewhere a long time ago, “Expect nothing and never be disappointed.”  While I think that’s rather sad, I also think it’s right.  When I expect nothing from people, I am always surprised and happy when I get something good from the relationship.  And, the good news is, I get something good more often than I get something bad.

That’s life.  Don’t be the lion!  

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